i can't get to sleep again. it's amazing how a cold, empty bed will change your sleeping.
i am alone. i keep coming back to the words of sylvia plath. at least i think they're her words: "every living thing in this world dies alone." it's hard not to feel the aching weight of it pushing down on my already. a quarter of my life is over and i'm already thinking about the final breath. morbid fascinations of a depressed mind.
i went up to mount pilchuck to clear my head on wednesday. it didn't work but it did give me some solace and time away from the bustle and grinding speed of city life. i didn't get to stay long and i didn't have what i needed to really play. i fell into a stream and got my lower body soaked, spent the rest of the hour drying off in the sun and reading a book, then came down from my perch. at this point thinking still hurts, being alone still hurts and moving around my normal haunts still hurts. most everything hurts.
the process of being single is harder than i remember. the constant evaluation of self-worth, the predication of such worth on the opinions of the world at large and the feeling of being on the deck of a boat during a hurricane at sea are how i sum up the experience so far. the only things keeping me going are my motorcycle, beer, and the hopeless avoidance of staring at a dark ceiling in an empty bed.
most nights i cry. most days i wish i felt fully human again. most evenings i struggle to come up with the energy to find something to eat. the worst of it is that this is all my doing for reasons i don't fully understand.
i have been dragged into this situation, my heart has cooked my brain and now i am left to pick up the pieces and reassemble myself into a cohesive whole. once i'm finished i'm going to get the rod of asclepius in ink somewhere. maybe the nape of my neck.
only the cohesive whole, the sustaining self, can hope to lead others to healing. if i wish to be a doctor i need to have a complete, balanced life. i do not now nor did i with sara. perhaps in the future we will and perhaps we won't. either way i will find myself today, tomorrow and the next day.