12-31

well, here we are. new years eve. i can't believe it's almost up. the year, my time here. i don't want to come back. i was just thinking how foreign my bed is going to feel. i mean, it's my bed, but i haven't slept in it for almost three weeks. i don't know if i can do this again, either. i'll break my own heart tomorrow (for the fifth time this year or so), i'll get on a plane and i'll fly back to what used to be my home. garden state is a great movie in parts to express what i feel. the scene in the pool where zach's character says "you come home one day and realize that home isn't home anymore. you go to your room but it's just a room, the feeling is gone." it goes on past that but it really hits me hard every time i hear it because that's how i feel. my room is just a room, my home is just a house, a place where i sleep and eat but nothing more. i need to go out and find my new home. so yeah, this is me thinking back on the year. it's been a hard one, it's had ups and downs and a few more downs, frankly. there are some very bright spots, those are why i'm still alive and moving and trying to do well. but you just keep getting down. you just keep having to remember why you're waking up again today. sometimes it's hard to remember and sometimes something in me doesn't want to get up. sometimes i just want to sleep. so as we pass the same point on the sun for the 4.5 billionth time this year: happy trails, good food, good friends and good fun for this next year; may it be a better year than the last. vale