the poison

i have to say that one of the songs that affects me most is by pedro the lion. it's on their latest release, pedro the lion's achilles heel. it's called The Poison. it's great. it's sad. it almost makes me cry every time i hear the beginning lines. "the poison makes it way through my body slowly/into the pleassure centers of my brain/if you were here i'd admit that i'm an asshole/ but now it's over and i can't stay sober/though it isn't like i tried" "or out for dinner in a nearby town/ i was so proud just to have you sitting with me" and then there's this line that always hits me so hard, "my old man always swore that hell would have no flames/just a front row seat to watch your true love pack her things and drive away." (ashley, i thought you might enjoy those lines and understand my POV better than most, so you know). that's the last line of the song, it's so sad. i envision that and it makes me sad. seeing sara drive away and knowing there is nothing i could do to bring her back... just that image in my mind is so powerful. i also love that description of alcohol. it's so great the first time you realize what he's talking about and the lightbulb clicks and it's great. And modest mouse's "polar opposites" has that great line for sara and i, lol, "polar opposites don't push away" we're not quite there but in a lot of things we are. that's part of why i say she balances me so well. i see it as one of our primary strengths, i see both sides of almost every issue i encounter because she makes sure i see it. it's great, it makes me a better person. speaking of sara, lol, i just told her that i think that salad has a cathartic (sp.?) effect when you've eaten badly all day. you just feel better for eating well and cleaning out your guts, lol. you know, i have no idea where i'd be without my music. it's so important to me. i love singing and playing and just making and listening to music. i'm learning to sing better for rock. turns out i'm not even close to nasal enough. so i've been going bob dylan style to get better at death cab for cutie style, lol. i watched nova instead of reading tonight, it was so worth it. it's was a discussion of our existence from the big bang and what followed. it's was talking about these bright spots of more concentrated matter that formed the seeds for our current universe. so cool! this stuff is so above me in a lot of ways but i still love it. i was talking to erinn today, too, lol. reminiscing about a couple of years ago (possibly pre-sara, i can't really remember much before her in the past few years) when we were flirting majorly. at one point there ended up being some near nakedness... that was a big deal for me at the time, lol. i was still very young sexually, which made all the difference. i can't think of a way to say what i want to here...it's frustrating. i suppose something to the effect of "i still had an image of this perfect girl that no person could live up to. i've since realized that a girl who is perfect is also bland. it's crazy how that works. once you're perfect you lose a lot of the character that makes each person so unique and beautiful and attractive and sexy.those were fun times, getting back to what i was saying, i fell through the ice at tahosa and she asked me to golden's sadies that year. i was really embarassed because i couldn't drive, lol. i was somewhat irrational, i'll admit and my emergence from the crysalis of "not your average guy" wasn't complete yet. i was still too concerned with what everyone thought. i still have some of those insecurities. i suppose that i really don't have the best self image. i just had a lot of problems with finding myself all through high school and even up to now. i can't decide if i like what i am or if i should try to make more improvements or if there really need to be any made. and this feels really long so i'll stop while you're still reading, lol. and brendan, how's the random factor here? lol. talk to you all soon, vale