waxing emo again

yeah, title says it all. it seems like on the weekends when i have more time free i start thinking and that inevitably leads me to sara and that leads me to miss her and sometimes to despair. like today, really. i have this feeling like there's no point to me right now. i feel like my life is so automatic anymore and that really sucks. i'm feeling despair becuase even with all the shit i've been through this year i'm still only halfway to being with sara again. i miss feeling her warmth next to me when i'm falling asleep and i miss her when i've got good news and i miss her when i've gotten bad news and i miss her when i'm alone and i miss her when i have any time to think and i feel so alone even despit how busy and surrounded i am most of the time. i'm lonely. i'm sad. i want sara. i feel like my entire being is trying to get to her. like if you saw me today i'd have streams of particles flaking off and moving away like sand off dunes in a strong wind. maybe this is the true source of the discontent i've been consumed by lately. i feel the need to do something of meaning to replace the void of human companionship in me right now. i can't replace here when she's not here. i can't begin to feel whole. it's sometimes a bit scary how completely she's integrated into me and how hard it is to be without her. i don't mean without her there all the time. i mean without even the sight of her, without her touch and smell and just without. it's been really hard for me. school helps and i can take my mind off it when i'm doing schoolwork but as soon as i'm done it all comes coursing back in and i'm almost smothered by it. and yet i'm so happy talking to her. it's so cruel to be alone and yet not. to be in limbo between the two. on one hand we're together and on the other i'm here by myself and it hurts so much more when i'm by myself having experienced being with her so soon before. i hurt.