how the innocent will fail

i just had a horrid night. it started out all nice and expected and good and proceeded to go straight down the shitter. and it all started innocently enough, with a pic of me sent to sara. easy, simple, just a picture. she made what should have been a simple comment, "you're hair's getting really long" but the parts that followed are what started the downward cycle i'm currently wallowing in the pit of. the basic summation of this was "you should get it cut, i'm more attracted to clean cut guys" now you all know i'm not really a big believer in being clean cut. i'm still a very american guy, i'm still stoic and i still want a family and i want to protect them all and everything else. but how i look is mine. i can look how i want to and it doesn't do a thing to what i have inside. but evidently i'm not good enough. you ever have someone even insinuate that? it hurts. it makes you feel worthless. it makes you defensive and it makes you sad and it makes you feel very alone and it makes you cry. and so here i am, wishing i wasn't here right now and feeling very, very alone. appropriate the song only makes me think about sara, too. 'stop the show,' my very fav. track by built to spill. built to spill also happened to write 'the weather' our song. i definitely really hurt someone today to deserve this. and somehow i've got to still motivate myself now to be something. i probably shouldn't have done as little studying as i did tonight, maybe i'd have avoided all this if i'd only studied.