Upon the Anticipation of Christmas, 2004

sometimes things go well and sometimes not. i have reached this full realization after yet another cycle through my own relationship with sara for the latest time of many that i always manage to forget. it's amazing how quickly you can forget such an important lesson and have to relearn it again. i ran across this little entry when i was posting my latest poem yesterday and thought about it and loved it more than when i wrote it. it's like that learning process condensed into one pure statement:
i'm not sure if i can be the pillar anymore. these little tests are always so painful. maybe this is why people stay single forever. it's easier than caring so much for someone and still failing them, still bursting through the surface of their cool facade into the fires that are them at their very core. that is an inferno at once both exquisite and imperfect. it's like having the most beautiful diamond in front of you with a small speck of coal in the very center. there is always something you aren't sure you can deal with about a person. even when you find one and accept it you find another that tests you just a bit more, it seems. but then, lying there next to her i realized that there are so many reasons why we humans always do this. i am absolutely and completely at ease when i'm with her, quietly enjoying the warmth and the silent grace of every little murmered word, every divine curve of soft skin, every breath, every moment spent in the absense of the world at large. i love feeling like i'm right where i am supposed to be. knowing that even though i am an utterly imperfect creature she still wants me, still accepts me, still loves that i'm imperfect. i'm always proud just to have her with me, i did nothing to deserve it. i'm very sure that i'm enjoying each teaspoonful, even if i can't tell you that for sure right now.(and i am convinced that each moment that i am with her is well spent and that each moment away is the purest torment i can ever feel.)