Metaphysics? Religion? Nay, this is neither.

i was reading a work on the life and religious theory of Ignacius of Loyola a few days ago, smoking a cigar as all true intellectuals must (ha!) and enjoying the heavy spring rain we were having that evening when i stumbled upon a very fundamental realization about the nature of religion. i don't claim that this is all that original or that i'm the first to say it, i'm sure that's not the case. Every single religion fails to describe the reality of the heart. every single one of them fails in its aim: the exposition of God, reality and the truth. but why? so many great minds have committed their lives to the pursuit of the perfect proof of God, the perfect interpretation of his words, how to live well and justly. so many humans have poured their minds, hearts and lives into religion but it fails us in the end. there is a simple reason for this. those of you who have read descartes' "meditations on first philosophy" have surely encountered the fundamental philosophical debate of modern times, how do i know that i am in a world when i can't possibly prove it. really, when you get down to it, your senses are unreliable things. perception colors depth, colors color, colors judgment and memories. our senses fail to give us the correct information. who's to say that they aren't doing so all the time? indeed, we may be in the Matrix right now without even realizing it, being fed just the right signals to stimulate just the right regions of the brain. outlandish? yes, but try to prove it's not the case. you can't use experience to prove your case, nor the body, nor what you can see, smell, hear, taste or touch. indeed, everything can be disproved except for one thing: consciousness. at the end of the day i can say i exist. because if i didn't i wouldn't be able to know it. i would be literally nothing. so i exist. i am. but everything else? it may or may not. i like to think it's out there but i can't say. is this my body? maybe but probably it's just a body.
that is where religion fails.
religion describes the world as it is. it is the mythology of existence and the future. but it operates on the principle that we should be a certain way, behave a certain way, feel a certain way and have faith in a certain higher power than ourselves. such a power may be out there. it's just as likely there is one than there is not, when you get right down to it. but what does it matter if everything is false? if you aren't really experiencing the world, what matter is it that you experience it in the correct religion? it's of no use to follow a set of beliefs if they are based on something that is false, the truth is true in all circumstances while the false is not.
if the world does not exist, religion must be false. There is one thing that unites everyone and every religion, however. They all begin with the thought "i am" and proceed to build from there. the foundation is solid, but the walls are weak.
Why do we need to proceed past the immediately true conception "I am?" because some people need answers for the future. they need safety, security and certitude. There is nothing of that sort in the statement of existence. existence may end with the end of the body, it may be snuffed out in an accident or by lightning. existence is a very uncertain thing. that's why religion came about, why mythology came about. but it is not the true heart of the matter. only the conception I am is the center. to appreciate existence less for the hope of redemption is an insult to any creator that there may be out there. what higher gift could we be given but existence?
so get out there and enjoy what you've been given this once!!!
go take a deep breath of the air and live completely in the moment for a moment.
for heavens sake, go wiggle your toes in the mud and walk barefoot in the grass. you won't get that many chances to do so!

it's the type of day you can't help but love here in seattle. sunny with rain late. it's that time of the year where we begin to move into the cloudless summer that is the just reward for the months of rain and gray skies. but for now the evening is drizzling its way into night.
the world is a beautiful place again today.

i can't get to sleep again. it's amazing how a cold, empty bed will change your sleeping.
i am alone. i keep coming back to the words of sylvia plath. at least i think they're her words: "every living thing in this world dies alone." it's hard not to feel the aching weight of it pushing down on my already. a quarter of my life is over and i'm already thinking about the final breath. morbid fascinations of a depressed mind.
i went up to mount pilchuck to clear my head on wednesday. it didn't work but it did give me some solace and time away from the bustle and grinding speed of city life. i didn't get to stay long and i didn't have what i needed to really play. i fell into a stream and got my lower body soaked, spent the rest of the hour drying off in the sun and reading a book, then came down from my perch. at this point thinking still hurts, being alone still hurts and moving around my normal haunts still hurts. most everything hurts.
the process of being single is harder than i remember. the constant evaluation of self-worth, the predication of such worth on the opinions of the world at large and the feeling of being on the deck of a boat during a hurricane at sea are how i sum up the experience so far. the only things keeping me going are my motorcycle, beer, and the hopeless avoidance of staring at a dark ceiling in an empty bed.
most nights i cry. most days i wish i felt fully human again. most evenings i struggle to come up with the energy to find something to eat. the worst of it is that this is all my doing for reasons i don't fully understand.
i have been dragged into this situation, my heart has cooked my brain and now i am left to pick up the pieces and reassemble myself into a cohesive whole. once i'm finished i'm going to get the rod of asclepius in ink somewhere. maybe the nape of my neck.
only the cohesive whole, the sustaining self, can hope to lead others to healing. if i wish to be a doctor i need to have a complete, balanced life. i do not now nor did i with sara. perhaps in the future we will and perhaps we won't. either way i will find myself today, tomorrow and the next day.

i am a man i could hate right now. the kind of person you speak badly of when you don't know them and worse still if you do. as a result i am leaving the internet for a few weeks, a month, however long i need to bring myself back to humanity. i may already be there but i'm not positive i am. i feel calloused by life and i need to go sooth and remove these so that i will be the best person possible. i'll be around to see you when i return, i promise.
until then, live out peace and fight those who would kill.
jeremy