the poison

i have to say that one of the songs that affects me most is by pedro the lion. it's on their latest release, pedro the lion's achilles heel. it's called The Poison. it's great. it's sad. it almost makes me cry every time i hear the beginning lines. "the poison makes it way through my body slowly/into the pleassure centers of my brain/if you were here i'd admit that i'm an asshole/ but now it's over and i can't stay sober/though it isn't like i tried" "or out for dinner in a nearby town/ i was so proud just to have you sitting with me" and then there's this line that always hits me so hard, "my old man always swore that hell would have no flames/just a front row seat to watch your true love pack her things and drive away." (ashley, i thought you might enjoy those lines and understand my POV better than most, so you know). that's the last line of the song, it's so sad. i envision that and it makes me sad. seeing sara drive away and knowing there is nothing i could do to bring her back... just that image in my mind is so powerful. i also love that description of alcohol. it's so great the first time you realize what he's talking about and the lightbulb clicks and it's great. And modest mouse's "polar opposites" has that great line for sara and i, lol, "polar opposites don't push away" we're not quite there but in a lot of things we are. that's part of why i say she balances me so well. i see it as one of our primary strengths, i see both sides of almost every issue i encounter because she makes sure i see it. it's great, it makes me a better person. speaking of sara, lol, i just told her that i think that salad has a cathartic (sp.?) effect when you've eaten badly all day. you just feel better for eating well and cleaning out your guts, lol. you know, i have no idea where i'd be without my music. it's so important to me. i love singing and playing and just making and listening to music. i'm learning to sing better for rock. turns out i'm not even close to nasal enough. so i've been going bob dylan style to get better at death cab for cutie style, lol. i watched nova instead of reading tonight, it was so worth it. it's was a discussion of our existence from the big bang and what followed. it's was talking about these bright spots of more concentrated matter that formed the seeds for our current universe. so cool! this stuff is so above me in a lot of ways but i still love it. i was talking to erinn today, too, lol. reminiscing about a couple of years ago (possibly pre-sara, i can't really remember much before her in the past few years) when we were flirting majorly. at one point there ended up being some near nakedness... that was a big deal for me at the time, lol. i was still very young sexually, which made all the difference. i can't think of a way to say what i want to here...it's frustrating. i suppose something to the effect of "i still had an image of this perfect girl that no person could live up to. i've since realized that a girl who is perfect is also bland. it's crazy how that works. once you're perfect you lose a lot of the character that makes each person so unique and beautiful and attractive and sexy.those were fun times, getting back to what i was saying, i fell through the ice at tahosa and she asked me to golden's sadies that year. i was really embarassed because i couldn't drive, lol. i was somewhat irrational, i'll admit and my emergence from the crysalis of "not your average guy" wasn't complete yet. i was still too concerned with what everyone thought. i still have some of those insecurities. i suppose that i really don't have the best self image. i just had a lot of problems with finding myself all through high school and even up to now. i can't decide if i like what i am or if i should try to make more improvements or if there really need to be any made. and this feels really long so i'll stop while you're still reading, lol. and brendan, how's the random factor here? lol. talk to you all soon, vale

prepare for the art of random!

well, i reckon that i'm darn tired out of the whole school thing and it's not even quite halfway in. not a good sign. i'm not honestly quite sure where i'm going to pull the forces together from to attack the rest of the semester. perhaps i have a few garrisoned in my emotion...who knows. all i know is that i've never been this knotty before. it's kinda cool, actually, but has to be bad for my health. note to self: take a massage class with sara so we can destroy knots with surgical accuracy. anyone else think that hillary duff is perhaps the worst actress/sell-out yet. i mean damn! justin and brittney were bad enough but she's even worse! how could someone be so blind as to think they have talent when they have none. and the wb, omg, i can't dig on that. maybe smallville but that's because i'm a boy and anything superhero related is almost golden to me. but nothing else, i swear. like one tree hill. what is the real point of the show? because as far as i can tell from seeing ten minutes is that it's about sex, sexism, sex and spin the body. wooo! i guess i don't have enough testosterone going through my system to care about bad television with sex added. turns out i'm a really opinionated person. not quite sure when that happened, whew! i just like what i like and think that some of the rest of the world is total bullshit. like anything corporate and something corporate. and blink 182 and blink 183, 184, 185 and 195 and all the rest of those radio "punk" bands. i think that's where this all started, honestly. i can't stand them or their progeny. in fact i just don't like the radio much. i think nothing is better than a great band no one else knows. or a great author no one knows. or your favorite poem that you introduce people to. or your favorite spot that no one knows how to get to but you. i just love the things that define you as an individual who has experienced american life and gone deeper with it. i still love america but i love the small stuff therein. voting, thinking for yourself, hard work, having a great time in the way you want, enjoying your life and your music and your reading and being yourself. when did americans get so damned superficial? i mean, i'm all for looking good but basing your opinions of someone based on how they look? i go deeper than that. there are a lot of people who are damn sexy but are the most horrible people and i just can't look at them as being that attractive after learning that. as an example of when that's not true, let's look at sara. not that i put her on a pedestal or anything, mind you. i really don't. i just think that she's got the sexiest lines of anyone i've ever seen. she's not too thin, not too thick, she's got great hips and beautiful shoulders. they're both wide but not too and have the best curves to them. just right. and she's not a wuss, either. she works 14 hour days and is still pretty spunky that evening. she'll do it for three or four days. she's just that motivated. and yet she's still such a great person. i can just sit there with her all day for two weeks and never feel like i need to do anything special or be anything spectacular or even do anything other than just being there with her. i love that feeling. just sitting at the table eating breakfast and reading the paper with each other, watching movies, just cuddling. i can't even begin to describe how excited i am to move out there and get to do that every day!

actually doing an exercise for ch.7

ok, so i'm posting something completely mundane on my blog for once (i hope you all are thinking for once here and not "right...more like again!")



I think i summarized pretty well. I didn't quote much, just the funny stuff that HAD to go in. The essay sequence was preserved. I managed to portray the tone and POV of the essay well as well as the final result, funny as it is. I wrote as quickly as i could summarize and in only one paragraph and in trying to count the words i totally just lost it! damned hell!!! ok, i really did do it and i'd swear to it in court but i am not doing that again! Just to prove i actually did do an essay: i abstracted the one on the guy whos roommate (and possibly gf) is a health nut who "eats like Ghandi" and is convinced she needs to "cleanse her temple." it's really funny and light, i liked it, but i'm not going to go through that again, omg.

essay 2

Jeremy Kyncl
9-27-04
Ethics
Aristotle and the CynicsSnowmobiles in Yellowstone:Analysis by Aristotle’s Schema and the Cynic Schema
Taking two classical philosophical views of a modern problem can make it easier to analyze and form a course of action. In this paper we will discuss and argue the merit of snowmobiling in Yellowstone National Park using the methods described above.For Aristotle, the middle way is the most important factor in the debate. One possible virtue for the laws governing recreation in Yellowstone is the virtue of conservation. Too little conservation can lead to destruction of a national treasure while too much could do the same by ceasing public enjoyment of the park. Part of what makes Yellowstone so important is that people go there to enjoy and marvel at the beauty of nature. Thus we must protect that beauty without excising the public viewing of it. To achieve this we must conserve so that the beauty will last for future generations.To find the mean we must first look at the extremes. On the side of too little conservation we find major flaws. The first is that without regulation of snowmobiling in the park nature will be destroyed. By destroying that which we seek to enjoy we cause blame to be leveled by future generations because there is nothing of the beauty, which was so special, left to enjoy. Also, by deregulating traffic in the park we favor unrestrained capitalism. This seeking of profits will ultimately cause blame by future generations and those who wanted to keep the park for future generations.The other extreme is regulating snowmobiling too much. This would lead to the collapse of local economies centered on snowmobiling. This causes blame by the residents of the area who depended on this sport for their livelihood. Also, the snowmobilers would find blame because they are not allowed to use Yellowstone for recreation, as it was partially intended. Also, how can we determine who can and can’t enter an area that the everyone owns through the government?This leads us to a discussion of the mean, conservation. By allowing some recreation local economies can be maintained while the park is protected and conserved. In this situation neither party will be completely happy but both will get to enjoy the park in the future. This is the entire point. Being a slave to either side is unhealthy and cannot be virtuous.To make sure that the virtue of conservation is properly acted out one must also consider the 5 Appropriates as outlined by Aristotle. The first is directing the action at the right person. This can be seen as being toward two groups. The snowmobilers and the environmentalists are the first but no one should forget the generations to come. Both should both be considered in any decision. To make an appropriate decision one should aim somewhere between the groups, this compromise is the middle way.The second concern is to allow the right amount of recreation. Too much and we lose the park, too little and no one can enjoy what was intended to be enjoyed.The third appropriate is about timing. If we do not act before Yellowstone is destroyed then there is no point to making any law concerning its conservation.The fourth aspect is regulating use for the right reason. Conserving this precious resource is the reason for the laws, a correct reason.The fifth and final appropriate is doing this all in the right way. By providing a fair law that doesn’t favor either group this can be achieved.Another factor that could help with the problem is Aristotle’s concept of friendship. The idea here is that if you lack the virtue you may befriend someone who is closer to the virtue than yourself and thus advance toward the virtue. If you are happy to desecrate the park and destroy wildlife you should befriend someone who still does but doesn’t feel good about it. To become better from there you should befriend someone who while they enjoy the activity refrains because they see that it is damaging to the environment. From here you may proceed even further by finding someone who is happy conserving the environment and doesn’t even debate whether or not to do this. The example here are those who snowmobile but the environmentalists could follow a similar path to find the mean and virtue in conservation.The Cynic would take a different view of this situation altogether. Both groups mentioned above are fueled by a desire, are armed with teams of lawyers to defend their viewpoint, rely on laws set by society and lead altogether faulty lives because of these things. These groups are motivated by the wrong things. The main reason that these groups have such a problem is that they both have something to lose. The fact that both groups are armed in defense of their position shows that neither one has the true way. Nancy, I know you want me to take the environmental side but I simply think that it is flawed as well, less so than the snowmobiler’s side but flawed nonetheless. Both of these groups seek the mandate of the law to defend their position. This is the fundamental flaw with both. The mandate they seek is not from nature but from man. Since the Cynics follow natural law and a natural way of being they could not find either group to be completely right. Neither will ever be able to prevail against the opponent. Both groups fail to recognize that they are not what they claim to be, right.In order to find the true path they must lead a natural life, they must conquer their vices. Destroying nature is wrong. Destroying it with a machine conceived of by man is worse. Thus the snowmobiles ought not be allowed at all. They must be decried to as many people as will listen. They must be decried in a populous area, in the middle of the cities. The Cynic would preach not to the elite as other philosophers but to the masses in order to effect the change sought.
Although both schemas would achieve the same result the route to that result is drastically different. In Aristotle’s solution both would keep their possessions and merely compromise on the use of Yellowstone by both. They need not take the radical step the Cynics espouse and rid themselves of all material good and live on the land itself. However, in doing this both groups would come to an accord about how to live. Thus, neither doctrine can be said to have an advantage over the other since both could be equally effective.

you should read the whole blog if you're going to read any

ok, so point one in this blog is this: jeff buckley is the greatest singer/songwriter of the 90's. his untimely death was the single greatest blow to that decade of music and perhaps to this decade in music. if you haven't heard of him or haven't heard his songs i must implore you to go directly to budget on 32nd and Youngfield and listen to anything they have by him there. He's amazing! he and tori amos are the two artists most frequently in my cd player. i can listen to him any time and come away feeling better for it. amazing! super amazing! i'm glad i was introduced to him and owe the introducer a debt i hope i can repay somehow because she's basically a musical goddess. so yeah, on to the rest, lol. this is going to be an "if you haven't, do" blog i think. if you haven't taken the time to chill with classmates outside of classtime you are missing one of the best parts of the class. i think that the single greatest improvements to my writing have come as a direct result of carolyn and autumn. if you have creative writing they are primo readers. and i feel a joy when i'm writing. i care a lot more and i do it more often. i'm very happy about that. and i'm listening to Elbow, another fun band from seattle *i think*. and tuesday is great fun to go look at art with. her sense of form and color is very good. she may not be an artist but she should be. god i want to just put myself on cruise control right now. just let myself not feel very much. i just had the most horrible pang wrack me. now i'm feeling quite alone again. i hate this feeling sometimes. i'm so happy though, too. i just payed my parents the last full paycheck of mine they get. i owe them $68 as of right now, oooooooooo! i'm very excited. then i'm starting to save for when i move out to be with sara in june. nothing could make me happier than that thought, nor more hopeless at this point. it's so far away, it seems. i just want it to be the last week of spring semester already. i can just see how exciting a time that will be. i'll be working my last shifts at peaberry and preparing to move. sara and i will be talking about it like two twittering little robins. i long for those times right now. until then i'm going to get to see her twice, three times at most. after those thoughts nothing could be crueler than that realization. who shall i blame for this sweet and heavy struggle? i don't know, perhaps myself. but i can't wait for june to come, can't wait for her plane to arrive for her uncle's wedding (a most fitting transition into being together all the time, it should be added). for those of you who are scratching your head right now i'll give you the short version. the non-ADD version. the version that it a bittersweet tale for me given her absense. i met sara at her aunt nancy's wedding. i still maintain that i have never seen hair so blonde and that no girl could be more radiant than she was there. i didn't even see her face, just her back. i was instantly attracted to her. it took me many trips to the buffet and some patience to get the opportunity to talk to her. it was one of the most daunting things i've ever done. finally she got up and made her way out of the reception. by pure luck i was getting water after going to the bathroom. seeing her walk out my heart did leap. we only talked for half an hour but i knew i wanted to know her better. now i know her better than i have any other person and still want to know more every day. sometimes we're both boring and sometimes we're full of new stories but every time we talk i know how much i love her. so wow, went a totally different direction there. but i'm glad i did. even if you all aren't, i needed to vent and let out some feelings. i feel better and that all i care about, lol. hopefully you are all not apalled that i'm still alive and don't think i'm overly sad about this, i'm just lonely.

In the Twilight of Nature

Everything is dry and scorched and dead
Forlorn flowers dip and weave slowly
As a cat silent slips by eneven tread
Toward the shade alongside the house.

The shade stands up as he comes
As if a queen disturbed again
Her reign unhappily overthrown
When breached by thinnest whisker.

And in the air is naught a sound
And nothing moves along the ground
Nothing so far as my eyes can take me
Dares defy the fiery prince presiding above.

The trees bow down before him
like a skyborn, shimmering sea
And as the air slides through them
I sense it will be the death of me.

An air so dry you cannot breathe
An air so thick you cannot see
An air so hot you boil away
An air that muzzles at my face
And sucks the soul from me.

reflection...later

yeah, i still have problems with thinking about the way i write. i'll admit that much right now. i am getting better but i still forget most of the time. when i do try i do a decent job. like with the poem i posted here. i've been working on it for a while with input from a few people. it's gotten way better and i've gone from a draft to a much better, more polished piece of writing that does just what i want it to to the reader. i love that feeling. i want it more often. i still have a little ways to go, though. i need to make it clear that the meaning of christmas is corrupted by the fact i am without a certain person, namely sara. so i'll work on that. but the three line stanzas are working as intended, i think. i like the idea of breaking that rule and having odd numbers of lines in a stanza. i'm also doing better at finding multiple possible topics from one basic subject. used to be i'd have my one idea and that'd be it, i just couldn't think of more. now i'm coming up with lots more ideas. so yeah, i can feel my writing moving forward a bit even though i'm not putting in as much as some of the people in this class, i don't think...maybe i'm wrong. i'm just busy as hell all the time right now.

waxing emo again

yeah, title says it all. it seems like on the weekends when i have more time free i start thinking and that inevitably leads me to sara and that leads me to miss her and sometimes to despair. like today, really. i have this feeling like there's no point to me right now. i feel like my life is so automatic anymore and that really sucks. i'm feeling despair becuase even with all the shit i've been through this year i'm still only halfway to being with sara again. i miss feeling her warmth next to me when i'm falling asleep and i miss her when i've got good news and i miss her when i've gotten bad news and i miss her when i'm alone and i miss her when i have any time to think and i feel so alone even despit how busy and surrounded i am most of the time. i'm lonely. i'm sad. i want sara. i feel like my entire being is trying to get to her. like if you saw me today i'd have streams of particles flaking off and moving away like sand off dunes in a strong wind. maybe this is the true source of the discontent i've been consumed by lately. i feel the need to do something of meaning to replace the void of human companionship in me right now. i can't replace here when she's not here. i can't begin to feel whole. it's sometimes a bit scary how completely she's integrated into me and how hard it is to be without her. i don't mean without her there all the time. i mean without even the sight of her, without her touch and smell and just without. it's been really hard for me. school helps and i can take my mind off it when i'm doing schoolwork but as soon as i'm done it all comes coursing back in and i'm almost smothered by it. and yet i'm so happy talking to her. it's so cruel to be alone and yet not. to be in limbo between the two. on one hand we're together and on the other i'm here by myself and it hurts so much more when i'm by myself having experienced being with her so soon before. i hurt.

Are you?

omg, so i just lost ten minutes of blogging. grrrrrr! someone called right as i tried to post it. so here's the shorter version: great week, good day, busy but get thursday off from TA, excited about voter registration, i know we've asked you all at least 34 times and you're seriously considering blowing up and laminating your registration card, hahaha i feel witty for that, ok, so maybe i'm not, can't wait for fri. so i can get to work (? is that) pissed at computer, steaming because of lost connection and lost words, past the full page on here...grrrrrrr...foul foul mood, i've finally set fire to my rectory!, quirky guy says that in as yet unmade story, thought of line in english today, hehehe, wrote it down on top of caroline's essay, sp on her name?, this is really fun i may do it more often, i've put more down in summary than before, maybe you all don't understand it but i sure do! and that's all that matters! no no, you really don't have to understand my blog, it may be public but it's for me...it's my precious and we won't lets you take it! have fun trying to read this and let me know how you do, hehehe, vale

today

well, i'm tired and i'm about ready for tomorrow to be over today. tomorrow's gone today...good title for an album, maybe. so yeah, just got out of frech a while earlier than expected, nice break. i'm tired of this week already after two days. it happens. i'm repeating myself, that's a bad sign since i have an essay to do tonight...yeah. at least i'm not doing it tomorrow morning. yeas, i should have done it last week and been revising but i didn't think of it enough until yesterday and so it's getting done tonight, get off my back, MAAAAAN! lol. yeah, hippie "man" there, just so ya know. we had a great and comical lab today, oh my yeas we did. there were talks about fondling the microscope (the 40x objective specifically) and i had an outburst to the extent of "NO!!! My Stentor are exploding!!!!" yeah, guess you really had to be there...sucks how so many things are like that. i came to some startling realization last night but i didn't write it down so i can't remember what it was. made another journal entry. i've been writing so many pages of stuff lately it's amazing. and the words are beginning to just flow right out of me onto the page. it's really nice. but yeah, now i'm going to go home and read and write and do all that great fun homeworky stuff. maybe i'll take a nice run first...yeah, i'm going to. i love running and i always forget how much i love it and leave it for something "better" that turns out to be just that, hypothetically better. so i'm back to it again. it's like a polar relationship where we're on again and then off again. so right now we're on and i'm loving it. lol. yeah, i'm a bit off sometimes. until tomorrow, ciao.

My super day

yay, another joyful blog. so i was registering people to vote today after class. it's exciting and i'm really excited about it. i'm one of the few super active non-liberals i know. i say it that way because i'm kinda not either. when i have to label myself i go with moderate conservative, which is true in a lot of ways. i like to think that as i'm maturing i'm taking into account all the experiences i have and all the new info coming in. i've gone from an almost exclusively religious conservative school to the world at large and it's invigorating. my views have change just by seeing people i could only imagine before. the imagination is great bu can't do justice to reality in any real sense. i'm finding it easier to open up in english, not that it was ever really difficult. i feel like i'm getting to know everyone and getting more comfortable with them just from reading their blogs and talking together with them in class when we analyze certain issues. it's a new experience for me with an english class. i'm getting to know my 112 student a bit, too. it's easier to help them now that i'm more comfortable and can screw up. i'm doing better for it and am learning the material i covered last semester with them better. it's been a great day. i'm also not finding it hard to keep writing these anymore. the words are just starting to flow out of me in a stream of thought. i'm comfortable here now where i wasn't before. alright, well, i'm going to go contemplate the questions i raised in today's in class writing assignment and see if i can't find some answers. ciao.

Ch. 4

so i've decided to do a journal for the ch. 4 exercise. i've got one entry so far and will do the second today, i'll post them when i'm done at the end of the week.

i have no idea what to put here

alright. so it's labor day. i think it's a holiday that doesn't mean much anymore. really now, not much at all. think about it. we all go off into the wilderness and camp. who made this camping only on labor day thing a law for most americans? Thou shalt go into the wilderness and there thou shalt camp and sear animal flesh over a grill you conveniently brought with you! i'm also wondering is birds have holidays. yeah, super random and kinda dumb, i suppose. but i wonder if they can think more than we think they can think. if i'm making sense. perhaps we just don't know how they're communicating; maybe we're too dumb ourselves to understand. maybe they possess a way more compact and advanced brain than we do and have just found a happier mode of existance. who can really say? the mice rule the world, you know. but yeah, it's been a good day, i guess. i got to go outside for at least twenty minutes today in between laboring at work and laboring at homework. that just depresses me on days like today. but i did my stuff nonetheless. so that's a pretty good feeling, i know i'm mastering myself. know thyself is a good piece of advice. i'm loving the dhammapada. it's a great little text and doesn't take too long to read. it's a summation of the sayings of the buddha, siddhartha gotama (sp?) and is remarkably similar to the sayings of another well known prophet and teacher who was a carpenter, enough said. I found a really hilarious site, too. i'm going to buy a shirt or two from it. it's maddox.xmission.com, i'm pretty sure, and it's sooooo funny. he's sarcastic, outspoken and just plain funny. there's a few shirts i want in the store, they're hilarious shirts, you should go check out the website if you need to laugh until you have tears going down your face. really. but ok, see you all tomorrow and have a great night. vale

aaarg!

ok, so yesterday was perhaps my worst day in memory. not only did i expect a day off (i'd been told i had fri. off by my manager) but i didn't at all expect the call from shaye asking where the hell i was because i was evidently late. so i went from relaxed to pissed and stressed and generally ill-tempered in 2 flat. seriously, omg. i almost put my fist through a wall. for me that's a huge thing since i haven't thought about that for so long. then i figured out that not only did i have the fri. i thought off but i had no day off at all this whole weekend. i was spitting flames the size of rhode island. super pissed. super duper pissed. raging alcoholic on steroids kind of pissed. so yeah, just not a good day. you have any of those lately? i really haven't, life's been pretty good to me lately. so i suppose i did something to someone that was very unkind because that was some huge karma kicking me square in the ass. and i'm sick on top of it all. talk about shit hitting the fan. anyway, i'm feeling much better about the whole thing today but i'm not looking forward to my 5 a.m. start time tomorrow morning. oh well, i'll nap. at least i've made some money. and i got the dhammapada today for ethics. it's an easy read but still profound. it's great, why can't they do this to the bible?!? make life so much easier. here's the big stuff in an interesting form so you can get the feeling of whether the whole tome is for you. it's fun to read other views and it's close to christianity, which is interesting. i'm thinking maybe the whole religious thing is universal and that the fact they're so similar is because they're based on the same thoughts about the same ideas. i'll develope that when i read some authors more knowledgable than i on the subject. so yeah, ok, i'm off to bigger and brighter things, like sleep.

A Rush and a Push and the Land is Ours

So today i found out i'm going to be the VP of RISK, most likely, i'm unnaposed. how many politicians would love to hear that word, huh? promisies to be a good time. i'm so excited to have a day off tommorrow. i'm going to read the rest of my books (Perelandra and the Dhammapada) and just have a slow day for once. i've been super busy these past two weeks and i just need to sharpen myself up again and get ready for a few more. i'm learning how i write better and that's envigorating. this is seriously one of my favorite classes now. to think... i'm really getting into school. it's a really really new thing to me. usually i pick up far more outside school than in but this year i'm expanding in a major way already. i came up with a seed idea in ehtics today, too. based on Aristotle's thoughts, the state is defined as self-sufficient. from this postulation you could ask yourself this question: Is our outsourcing of jobs the beginning of one massive nation-state? and if so will this be good or bad? i'm going to have to explore that further as we progress this semester. ok, so i'm going to go talk to sara now and i'll see you all later on. jeremy