so like i said in class today, one of the single things that shouldn't be so fucking funny but is is this question: "what would happen if you threw a beggar in, let's say, Cancun a car wash token for his can?" i mean, think about how completely absurd that is. a car wash token good in the US and for people who have cars, both of which aren't true here...then there's the thought of what would happen if he saw you again? mightn't he lodge that token in the back of your skull? i just think the whole thing is funny and a great time. i'm a sick individual sometimes. but yeah, that and my ethics teacher's comment about her cat and how she'd say, "hello fellow sufferer" which i totally heard as "hello fellow selfer!" so yeah, i thought it was way funnier than anyone else...that happens a lot... so yeah, good times. i really need to write something right now. i'm just filled with ideas to improve what stories i do attempt. it's all C.S., too. i swear it. but yeah, it's all good to me. and i just saw this girl that begs the question, why do girls wear so damned much makeup and overtweeze and just generally look like they care way too much about their appearance? i mean, it well and good to care about your appearance to a point. but the girls like the one i just saw, those girls who trully annoy me, are the ones who think that in order to be attractive they have to cake on the foundation to the point of looking like a manequin. if i wanted that, i'd have a manequin. i don't know why some girls won't realize that makeup is to accent what you really like, not to cover up what you don't. covering up never works, i'll point to Watergate and Enron. it's way better to just play up what beauty you have yourself, and i think that every girl has something that is trully unique, beautiful and worth attention. so yeah, i'll leave this here because it's getting a bit long for you all to really enjoy reading. vale

so i was totally reminded of a bad hair coloring incident in class today. oh man, it's a doozie, lol. i don't even know if that's how you spell it. it happens. but yeah, so a while ago, like about two years ago now, i think, i died my hair. i think it might be the start of my thing for how my hair looks. i didn't realize how much your hair defines you in the sight of others before. but i died my hair bright blue. like the blue at the bottom of the screen on windows xp here. blue blue hair on top of my head. i looked like a bluebird. i had a great time because they sent me home from work. yeah, so in getting this color i bleached my hair to a pretty orangy blonde then died it to the blue. it was good, not so clean fun. i liked it but i had to change it. what can i say? i'm greedy, i want money, so i changed my hair. i decided on black. so i went home that night and dyed my hair black to cover up the blue. little did i know, being a boy and all, that i was doomed to have my hair go crazy colors? well it totally did. i had a forest green halo on the back of my black head. it was so funny. i made an effort so both my work and my school allowed my hair as it was. so i walked around for a few months with a halo that gradually faded from the deep forest green to what blondes look like if they swim too much, that chlorine green. then i redyed and there comes my obsession with having black hair in the winter. makes me more appropriate, i figure, everything is dead so i might as well be dark. it works, but this year it's staying brown because i'm trying to donate. we'll see, i don't know that i'll get to the necessary length in time. i'll just keep eating my fish and hope that it really does help.

so i did very little today. i slept for 14 hours but that was the defining factor. i'm not sure if i'm sick or what. i know i'm kinda sick, but i'm not sure if it's more than that and the season change throwing me for a loop or not. we'll soon see. and i worked on my car. she needs a good washing...i think i'll do it tomorrow if i have time. but i firmly attached the high flow intake to the spot where my old intake was. it's doing quite well. i may bolt the old external port for the intake back in to feed it more air when i'm at highway speeds. i'm not really sure yet, lol. i don't know it if would really help. all i know is that my acceleration is smoother and quieter and that i have more power. so life is good. i also replaced my headlights. it took way more effort than it should have. i had to unscrew my entire front end to get to the screws i needed to get to to take the damned things out. and i cut myself doing it. so yeah. but i now have high intensity discharge halogen headlights. wednesday mi and i are going to rewire my foglights and replace the fuse we blew last time, lol. then i'll wash Anezka and all will be right with the world. i'm feeling a lot better than yesterday. i was just so angry and hurt and all of that. it's just hard to deal with. and i didn't even know her that well. jon looks like he's taking it hard like minh and cody. i just hate that you'd destroy life for no reason like that.

hey, here's a fun political link. i found it on another blog and just wanted to have some fun. please don't take it too seriously, it didn't make up my mind, that's for damned sure.

well, woooo! great weekend!...no really. right now i'm just mixed up like a bad martini. i can't decide if i'm about to cry, break someone, break myself on a wall or do something else rash, but maybe i'll just sit here with a beer and try to salvage a night. i almost just want to go off into the middle of nowhere for a while. things like this affect me. especially when i see my friends in as much pain as i have lately. i wrote a poem, for all of you who need filled in on this...read that. it's like you just want to rip open your chest and let the world diffuse into you so that you feel something consistent. i want a consistent feeling of something, anything, nothing, right now. i don't care which it is, i just want to feel balanced for a little while. but now it's all over and i just need to relax and let it go. i've had a roller coaster day. my car is now a little more powerful and efficient, a minor matter to say the least, but she's even more fun to drive now. i really like lemurs, they're really cute. oh, and there was this little armadillo in the nocturnal exhibit in the woodland park zoo that had a little nascar style circuit worn into his cage. it was so cute. he just zipped around his track on his little legs. but he was moving his legs so fast he just looked like he was floating around his little track. but his little tail bobbed a little. it was so cute, i just sat and watched him for a few minutes, sara trying to get me to move on so the little kids could get a spot the whole time. i do love that girl. she's just amazing. and she works so hard with me to make sure we stay vital. and she totally just compared me to a bonobo, lol. anyway, i'm going to go, this has helped me just vent like crazy and get feeling a touch better. sorry if i depressed anyone. i'll take you out to enjoy the sun sometimes to make it up to you.

back when i knew how to change

laying on the bathroom floor
kitty licks my cheek once more
and i, i could try,
but waking up is harder when you wanna die

walter's on the telephone
tell him i am not at home
cuz i, i think that i
am going to a place where i am always high

my name's elizabeth
my life is shit and piss.

i was just listening to that album again. amazing amazing music. it moves you like few things i've ever heard. it's the eels, it's called electroshock blues. it was written in a year where the guy writing's entire immediate family died. his sister commited suicide, his mom died of cancer and his dad of a heart attack. so it's very dark at the beginning and you get to see him work through it until at the end he's just starting to see the light on the other side of this super black tunnel.

so yeah, i'm having a great night now that i have time to relax tomorrow. i'm excited for the weekend, i need money, lol. and i get a paycheck this week, i think. so that means i'll probably finally put a high flow intake into my little gal. that means even more power *extreme sarcasm, i won't even be over 100 hp post intake* and better gas mileage, which is a large part of why i'm doing it, lol. i love my environment so i'm going to try to conserve if i'm going to be greedy and drive around. i'm excited, i think my hair might make it to donation length by the time i cut it...i really hope it does. i really want to donate it now. shave my head bald like a monk but give it all to a good cause. we'll see. i hope that my other blog didn't turn you guys away, because i didn't have it set to let anyone post...i am very sorry if you weren't able to but you will be able to now. so yeah, ok, i'm going to go ahead and go to bed, lol, i'm getting a bit sick, i can't sing, my life is about to end, i swear it. i love singing beyond almost anything. i think sara, my car and music in general come before singing. and maybe friends...but it's close, lol.

i can't believe it!

i just can't believe it, i'm a good kid, i swear, but evidently:
My life is rated NC-17.
What is your life rated?

magic markers tattoo you
to show it where to aim
and strangers break their promises
that you won't feel any pain

so i didn't do much today, just studied for my micro test tomorrow. i know glycolysis to a phosphofructokinase, though, so that's good. and i finally heard some fun bands i've been meaning to check out. namely devotchka, they're really fun. a great old world/russian feel with a very contemporary and even slightly spanish flare. A is Jump is a band i really dug that i just found earlier. great song by them is 'the sad-eyed truth' and they're just fun and pretty mellow. and then there's Q and not U, lol, great name and they're a great, high energy, slightly off kilter band. i heard 'wonderful people' by them. and finally, this is the last one tonight, children of the mission had a powerful, energetic, instrumental piece called 'tears' on tonight. i'm in a decent mood but all you people need to blog more, lol, you're boring, nothing new to read usually. but then again, i'm probably writing too much. i'm getting better for it, as my poems are beginning to show. so i'm a happy camper. and i'll use all these writing skills eventually.

time to maunder

haha! yeas indeed, folks, it's that time again, but i have a wager of no less than two egos that i can't do it best! i see you upside down. but my brain knows better and turns you round. that's right. so where did the original ATP for cell respiration come from? you need it to run the system. you need it to start the process to make it, so how did that process start in the first place? interesting...oh! and if pediococci are homofermentative does that mean having them makes you a flaming homosexual alcoholic? (my friend Gian wants to know!) OH! and our bodies prove aristotle right. We're always trying to find the middle way just by living! And if you really want to kill someone without getting caught, get a canister of singlet O2, etherize them and feed it to them directly at 100%. they'll surely die as it rips apart all their macromolecules, it's like a molecular bull in a cellular china shoppe. a spanish bull in an english cell china shoppe, and it'll look like it's of natural causes because it's just oxygen, after all. now tell me this, do Carmelites need lots of sugar? carmelized sugar...lol. mmmmmm...now i want candy. lots and lots of candy to feed my crazy hair growth...i totally love writing poetry, i scribble ideas down while driving sometimes so as not to forget. i just told shannon that karma will catch a girl who is cheating...i hope so, that's low. bealzebub low, i don't know if i sp. that right. but i do know that this hits like muhammad ali on a good day. oh yeah baby! vale

quick notice petitioning help

i just posted a new poem that i really like. i want to make it amazing. so please, offer insightful criticisms so that i can make it better. thanks all. i'm pooling my forces for a random assault, too, carolyn, lol.

you want to know me better? here's a big part of my past

you always used to try to get your way, you were just stubborn we'd say. but then you turned slowly to hitting, destroying, mauling with a demon in your eye. nothing could control you. you raged and raged until you burnt yourself into blackness. and the darkness there scared you so you came back. but you always wanted more fire, more rage. you always wanted the power. and nothing we could do would make you come back. so we sent you away. and we cried. and we searched within ourselves to see if what we did was right. we didn't know. we weren't sure. we let you come back. but soon your door was splintered and your face was contorted again. so we sent you away a second time. you fooled with the phychiatrists, those simple men who depend on dependence on drugging. and you played with them like toys and it made you happy. you were the master, they the pawns on the board to be disposed of as you would. and you were happy. but then they said you were fine. you came home, you went back and we were torn and tortured. we couldn't find our souls' peace in it all. did we do this? was this all some fault of ours? we couldn't know the answer. they sent home again and they took you back again and again. we frayed and our bodies betrayed us. my mind would cloud and i couldn't see, i would vomit and my temples would burn and split. all because i worried about you so. and this continued while you were sick. and while you moved from house to house, always unhappy and always unsettled. and i am sad as i fathom these depths i've sought so hard to cover and drown, to bury forever. but at least you're now better. we may never live together again nor see much of each other, but you won't do this to anyone else. for that my heart is glad and all my hardships seem to fade into nothingness. i took that pain and i worked through it time and time again so that this day would come. my parents and my sister, as well. the day when matthew, my brother, would make progress and control himself and break his addiction to rage.

take me home in a tidal wave
take me down when i'm wired
take me back to the other place
take me back when i'm alone
i can see all the little things
that once could make me whole
but i can feel at ease

yeah, so my heart really had a great day today when i read my blog, lol. four comments! four! that's a new high, i think, for one day. but yeah, they're all encouraging. so yeah, carolyn, sorry bout tuesday, steph and i are going out to littleton to listen to a debate. but sat. is possible if it's after 8:15 when i get off of work. mattea, you're quite kind but yeah, i do try to keep everyone commenting and together. i'm a networker, lol. when i focus my energies they go to great good, i hope. so i love sundays now. i get up way too early after going to bed only slightly earlier in the morning and run for 17 hours or so. it's really nice, i just feel like i've done enough for one day, lol. i'm turning into some sick workaholic type or something. i don't know. but yeah, i hurt my voice earlier. you have no idea how hard it is for me not to sing and hum and enjoy music and now i must not do it until i'm sure my voice is better. it's going to drive me insane!!! literally up a wall. it's horrible for me. music is almost as big a part of my life as food. i'm probably unhealthfully into music. i'll listen to almost anything once. except things that have made it to #1-10 on billboard. to be that popular i assume it's got to be crap unless i know otherwise. plus, they don't need my money, smaller bands do.

if you want my poetry, i've got a whole blog of it

so i've got a new blog. it's all poetry. it's easier than posting here, i think, pure poetry. you'll love, i guaruntee. so go now! you know you'll love it.

yeah, i have a blogging problem. i'm on here too much when i should be...let's say for tonight's example, in bed. right now i could go to be and get seven and a half hours of sleep. but i'll be blogging and reading blogs until much later than that, lol. i'm thinking it's becoming a problem, like i said. my heart jumps when i have a new comment. leaps, even. so yeah, i'll admit my problem, but it's not affecting my health at all so i don't think i'll change it too much, lol. yeah, good day. sara told me something that's really stuck with me on friday. work is a break. you realize that? for us students, work is a break from the normal routine. it's a time to do something different and maybe even relax. i am such a happy worker right now. i'm looking forward to tue. i don't know why...oh wait, yeah i do! lol. it's a lazy day for me, nothing to do. it's great. oh, and sara got towels today. exciting stuff...nice towels for when i move...really nice. and the bathrug, don't you dare forget the bath rug!!! so yeah, i'm excited. and i'm getting the dalselv bed from ikea. it's pretty, it's minimalistic, it's amazingly clean. so yeah, i also found a glassblower. i'm excited. get some really unique vases and such. best thing is he lives about 500 ft. from my house. it's super duper! so yeah, lol. i'll leave you with that, all, ciao

there is a world beyond the world that you see

Alright, went and saw what the bleep do we know? finally tonight. it's a great, mindbending movie. they talk about things that kinda make sense but that really, really stun you. one of the things is that if you believe, with every fiber of your being, that you can walk on water you will indeed walk on water. so i raises the really interesting question. since god became man, can we now transcend to the level of consciousness of jesus? it seems almost blasphemous. but at the same time if we indeed are created in his image and have that basis for a perfect life...then we really ought be able to. it's very crazy and i honestly want to just go read books on quantum theory right now. then i want to read about relativistic theory. then i want to try to reconcile them. not that i'll actually succeed because they're so different. i mean, you have one that's governed by us, our thoughts and our intentions. and the other that is governed by math and the laws of physics, mostly. and you have to somehow find the mathmatical way of expressing chaos, basically. but it'd be so much fun to try it! i love making my brain work all hard like that. it's very invigorating. i really really want to get into a physics classroom for a bit right now, lol. oh, and i totally love microbiology! yeah, baby. i actually explained why you would use the phase contrast setting to visualize one of the things in the movie. and i did it fairly clearly and logically and simply. it's so great knowing your shit. so yeah, go see the movie and make sure to enjoy it, too. i like the old guy from UCLA, lol. you'll know the one when you see him. and i also like the anesthesiolgist from AZ (?) who wonders where his patients go when they go under. i thought that was a great reason for getting into quantum physics, lol. but yeah, no string theory in this movie, i was a bit unhappy, lol. so yeah, i'm going to say that i'm back to loving my classes and that i'm very excited for having tue. off. i'm also very excited for this class. you can tell, i'm always super energized during the periods. if i could only focus it on the task at hand...we'd all be very bored people, lol. so yeah, have a great night, ciao.

Something to Live By

I sometimes have this thought in my head
That I need pity to be truly accepted
And that I need to whine and bitch and moan
And generally make myself seem sad
To get this pity on which I will feed.

But in truth, no one likes a whiner
And they really hate to sit and listen
To someone who does nothing except
To bitch and whine and moan and generally
Just be a burden on those around.

So if you’re a whiner, a bitcher, a moaner
Change your ways before you’re only a loner
Who sits in the corner with no one who cares
And then knows something about what pity wears
Because you’ll be alone and no one will care.

alright, i tried to make this kinda dr. seuss-y.

all the things you wished

Hey all, so i'm going to say that last night i wrote while i was still reactive. while i did hurt it really wasn't very logical. i'll admit that. i really should have given it some time. so yeah, i still meant it but it's from a part of me i dont' like to show people much. so yeah. i had a french test tonight and another migraine. i hate being really stressed, it makes this happen a lot. i'm up to two this week, so that's fun. wooo! so yeah, i hate feeling stressed, i don't deal with it very well. but that's this week in a nutshell. next week isn't so crazy. i'm glad. hopefully things cool down for a bit so i can relax a little. i had some brilliant thought for a poem but i didn't write it down, so no go for right now. french is going really well. i surprisingly got an A on my oral midterm even despite not being able to think straight during it...migraines will do that...they really really suck, don't get them if you can avoid it. but yeah, evidently i'm starting to just get automatic french prompts down. i'm starting to speak it and not think-then-speak it, lol. so yeah, it's short. i'm going to come around to all your blogs now and read up, so be prepared for some comments, lol. bon journee and vale.

how the innocent will fail

i just had a horrid night. it started out all nice and expected and good and proceeded to go straight down the shitter. and it all started innocently enough, with a pic of me sent to sara. easy, simple, just a picture. she made what should have been a simple comment, "you're hair's getting really long" but the parts that followed are what started the downward cycle i'm currently wallowing in the pit of. the basic summation of this was "you should get it cut, i'm more attracted to clean cut guys" now you all know i'm not really a big believer in being clean cut. i'm still a very american guy, i'm still stoic and i still want a family and i want to protect them all and everything else. but how i look is mine. i can look how i want to and it doesn't do a thing to what i have inside. but evidently i'm not good enough. you ever have someone even insinuate that? it hurts. it makes you feel worthless. it makes you defensive and it makes you sad and it makes you feel very alone and it makes you cry. and so here i am, wishing i wasn't here right now and feeling very, very alone. appropriate the song only makes me think about sara, too. 'stop the show,' my very fav. track by built to spill. built to spill also happened to write 'the weather' our song. i definitely really hurt someone today to deserve this. and somehow i've got to still motivate myself now to be something. i probably shouldn't have done as little studying as i did tonight, maybe i'd have avoided all this if i'd only studied.

lyric of the leaves

The leaves roll in front of the lights
Leaving a nearly silent symphony as they tumble
And complain to the indigent wind
That he might not pass by a rich man this time.
And that they not steal some of his gold
For their raiments were most poor.
Their mottled rags weren't near enough
To protect them from the weather
And the rain that night had passed right through
And left them all to shiver.
And when they shivered they found they fell
straight off the branch they knew
Only to be carried away by the wind
As he wispered of his poor lot here.
As they spiraled into the dark
You could barely hear them say
"Why is it now, you wicked wind,
That you take us all away?"
"So that you know that what you have
Is more than most are meant
And so that you can appreciate
Your luck." was all he said
And nothing more would he say
For they pressed him most severely
But his lips would purse and stay
Shut like the doors of winter arriving.

Why we have the word injustice

Each day she left she thanked me
A smile on her face each time
And her hands would quake
Quake like the leaves of a tree
Disturbed by the shifting
Of the air, looking for a place to sleep.

She reminded me of the sunset
With her many hues of twine
And her face was worn
Worn with lines of worry
Those which stole her mind
Since they came and took him.

Her face was always happy
When she took them, woven round her hand
And slowly backed out
But she always had a tear
Because the pills stole away
A part of her, about him
How they lynched him
And left him for the crows

alright, so my right index finger is sore from all the writing i've been doing of late. anyone else dislike midterm portfolios yet? i know that while i'm learning a whole lot from it, it can't be worth this soreness. but i like the outcome, too. i've looked at essays in much more depth, i've worked on them more and refined my ideas and language and i feel like i'm a much better writer than i was at the beginning of the semester. i'm feeling much more relaxed at this point, though. i have a few things left on it but overall i'm done. i'd say i'm at about 80% done right now...i've got a little of the letter to do and two reflections and them i'm done. thank god! so yeah, that's tomorrow morning and afternoon in a nutshell. but i feel like i'm not rushed in all of this and am actually doing a good job. and reading back through poems and essays was fun. i enjoy looking back at my writing now and think i'll do it more often. it'll help me with future assignments, i trust. i really want to go back and revise my poems now...lol. i like the second one and i have one yet to post...it's a much more serious and sad poem. maybe i'll go find it now. i think i will, i'll post it soon.

alright! i'm done with one work week and am fairly ready for another! i'm actually excited for this week. big week in school. i have two midterm type things due. one in here and one tomorrow in french. it's the oral exam. doing your hw is hard work. i hate it. i really detest it. but i still do it. i love the feeling of not having anything hanging over your head for tomorrow, it's spectacular. so yeah. i'm not really sure what to think about the midterm portfolio as of yet...i'm working through my stuff and trying to find everything and explain and revise and all that. its' not very fun. not at all. but it'll be good. i'm going to make sure it's good. past that i had a good weekend, if longer than expected. that's alright, i'm a greedy bastard and i did alright this weekend. i keep thinking in french today. oh! i totally hit the snooze button today on my alarm. first time i've found that. usually i just turn it off and go back to sleep when i need more, lol. but today i found where it was and used it and then went directly to work without a shower. i don't think i'm going to do it again. i'm stinky and feel gross and just want to go to sleep soon. i'm fine with being a little stanky but not like this...tmi, i know, i know. so yeah, anyway, i'm very excited that it's oct. and getting into mid-oct. and we're halfway done!!!that's huge, it's a big moral boost that i'm halfway home. i just need to pull in that last half harder than the last...i can't help but think it's like one big CC race. you work your ass off the first half and then work it off even harder and faster in the second half; then at the end you completely kill yourself just to make sure you finish ahead of that wierd guy in the purple and yellow with the ugly sweatband and fancy ass socks that cost more than my car. why do we need stuff that fancy? i'm completely guilty of gear lust, but why? i mean, wool is great! it's natural and warm and great. why do we need anything better? esp. with smartwool. something to ponder: if being outdoors is about getting away from everything why do we bring everything in, including our brand conciousness?

yeah, i'm thinking i may request to have a sunday off sometime...i just need to have a week where i don't wake up at five on sun. to go to work. feels like the medication's wearing off, gonna hurt in a little while. name that song! it's a fun game and it's a great game to play because i said so damn it. i'm really starting to be unhappy with the person i get to being when i'm super stressed out. i feel completely unnatural and out of my element when i'm like this. so much to do... i really need a break and to go kick myself back into gear with a weekend in the mountains while it's still nice enough for it. but it's not going to happen. it's alright. man, sara's gotta look so cute right now, lol. she's eating a sugar cookie and being defensive about it. i think it's hilarious. she might not find the fact i just put that up for everyone to see to be hilarious. she likes you to think she's perfect all the time, i think. and for the most part that's the only image of her you guys get to see here. but now i'm telling you, she has a weakness for chips and for sugar cookies. and for ice cream and chocolate, but she is a girl so that's almost a given. alright, i'm going to paste in some of her last comments because she's just so funny...sarzgirl86: sugar is necessary to function; sugar is necessary for smartness, lol; and sexual attraction. i love her so much!

tell me this isn't a great verse...

And now, here I am
All grown up and pitiful as ever
Will it ever, ever change?
I don't want to be the depressed girl
Nobody loves the depressed girl
I want to be sunshine and idealism
I want to wear lots of red and yellow
And be into Art Deco
And Death Cab for Cutie.

ms. machineghost wrote this and i liked it so now i've posted it.

i'm bitter, don't say i didn't warn you that this is, too.

well, i got through my monster work day and it was just fine. i'm glad i did it, actually. i made enough money to justify it. nader is kinda funny, too. like the way her sits there during debates, lol. anyway, i'll get off that issue now, i'm quite tired of worrying about politics for the week. i'm excited for this election, we'll stop being an unrepresented group with this one. so yeah, anyway, i'm excited to working on my last essay. it's going to be incredible. yeah, i feel like just kicking back tomorrow but i'm getting up early for a trip to the bank to get the last money i owe my parents from my paycheck and to put money into my savings account!!!! i'm super excited about this, i'll start making headway to getting to seattle directly. i'm also stocking up on stuff for when i move. i really can't wait for the moment i leave my house to move out there. i can't express how completely excited i am for that. the more i think about stoicism the more i like it and the more i find that americans really could benefit from this philosophy. it's where i started thinking about my last essay and i just can't help returning to it almost every day. it's really annoying to me that i can bitch so much about things i choose to do, i'm making an effort to stop doing that, i never used to. i do it to get pity or something, i guess, i don't know. but yeah, i've accepted that what i do and the outcome of these things are my problem and no one else's. i think it's stupid to burden society just because you can't accept your own mortality. i accept that i've eaten carcinogens, breathed them, been exposed to them my entire life and might die from them. that's really on my head because i've chosen to let it happen. if i get cancer that's my own damned fault and i have to deal with that. that americans think they have some right to live til they're 80 even if it takes going under the knife every couple of years is absurd. we may only have a short time here but prolonging it could really cause pain and struggle for the next generation out of proportion with the benefit of living 10 more years with a weak heart and half a liver you lost to cancer. so yeah, i'll leave this now and go talk to sara before i become bitter about it all. ciao.

this week

i'm tired. really tired. i'm about to go to bed because tomorrow i go into work at 10a and stay until closing at 8:30p. great joys!!! but it's a lot of tips and a lot of money in general so i can't complain. i'm looking forward to being through this semester and into winter break beyond what i can describe. i'll make it and i'll keep going strong but it's hard. if i weren't so damned determined that i'm going to succeed this semester i'd quit right now. i really liked the blog assignment. i started it a few hours ago and i just kept reading. i really like green genes' blog the best, personally. but i'm also into them all. i just feel like she's the most optimistic, which i can always use. i can see a wonder and joy about life in her stuff and that's important to see, i think, even though i sometimes have to weed through all my emotional shite to get there. i'm really starting to feel like i'd benefit from a nice back massage. i'm pebbly...it's like my back is made up of so many little whorls of wood like a tree. it's not very fun and i'm sure it's bad for my immune system. my tonsils have been in bad shape since the year started, too. i think it's the stress combined with all the pathogens and other microorganisms, for that matter, that i pick up every day. i'm in need of a week off or so just to focus myself in and relax a little. let's leave it where we started, i'm tired.

blogs i liked

for one we've got green genes. i love that she just gives you little shots of her life and you're left to piece it all together. i also love how her lines feed into my lines feed into everything else. it makes me think. here's the link...http://openmicnight.blogspot.com/
here's something i can't take all the credit for from her...

Lying in a cold bed that I made for myself
while my waiting game gains weight with curiosity.
The bleeding of the colors out and around
Into the room I’ve painted brown
Long ago. So long ago.
An impressionist in a dali landscape
she ran away from everyone and everything.
And found that as soon as she did
an unintended call was answered
and now she’s writhing

all things live and die yet remain
this world is blessed by nature
our tears cannot fall
where someone else’s haven’t already
our tears cannot fall
where they aren’t meant to be
Project your love and love to be.

yeah, so i have to rip myself off her site now...i'm enjoying it, lol. but ok, here we go...
http://machineghost.blogspot.com/
great political discussion and some great ideas. i like this one too...honestly it's kinda like my thoughts on most things...scary...

and the final straw...
after much abuse of the pause...lol is...http://icicletears17.blogspot.com/
my friend erinn because she's truly using writing to see what she thinks and that takes some courage to do for the first time, esp. when it's about having a broken heart.

ch. 16 ex.

Sentence: School libraries shouldn’t include pornography.

There are inherent flaws with this statement. First off, which schools? Colleges where the people using them are adults and should be responsible for themselves? Or elementary schools and high schools where there are minors present? Second, what’s pornography? Is it full nakedness or just the suggestion, like a wet t-shirt? What is the definition of it in the eyes of the person saying it? It could be quite different for me. So then we have to ask who’s definition do we use? Because no one could argue mine has less weight than anyone else’s argument and not be somewhat hypocritical.
So first we can attack “at which school” in this argument. At an elementary school where the kids are still young and their parents are the main people making decisions about what they do and see it could be appropriate. They are minors, they can’t get the stuff on their own. Fine. But what about college campuses? These are schools with mostly majors present, if not all majors. So how can you tell someone who can go down the street to the Lover’s Package or whatever that they can’t get this in at the library? It’s their prerogative if they want to badly to have it and aren’t afraid to show that in public. It may be kinda sad in that case but they’re more than free to do it. In the same way, if we did something like that, what could the reasoning for having any book that any person finds offensive be available in the library? Say you have an atheist who doesn’t want the bible or any other religious texts available in the library, they have a claim if we’re going to limit other kinds of literature there.
And what is porn, exactly? I mean, do we limit this to hardcore porn or do we also cut out the softcore porn? what kind of porn will we be limiting? Is softcore porn even applicable since there usually isn’t nudity? What about romance novels? I’ve seen some passages in those that are downright steamy, is that pornographic? Would not any mention of nudity be pornographic in the case of this argument?
One other point that just came to mind is this one: what about public libraries? Because if you can’t get it at the school, why not go to the public library? So do we limit these as well?

ch. 8 ex.

4. In a society increasingly plagued by the high price of Social Security one obvious solution must be explored, people over 65 should not have expensive medical procedures on the government's dime.

As we see the burdening of Social Security we must ask one question "Should old people get surgeries or just die?"

There are two solutions to America's biggest problem, raise taxes or let those older than 65 die.

I was reading about how our society is getting older and how that was going to overburden our generation through Social Security. I thought to myself, "Why are we letting the old people run up huge bills for surgeries, like bypass surgery, on our dime?"

What do you want to be when you grow up?

Alright, so now i'm going to go from what jon and brendan said, lol. funny little cycle there. what do i want to be?
i'll tell you. i want to be a scientist who still plays music and enjoys expanding in every direction. i find it incredibly hard to focus myself on just one area of study. that's why i'm taking french, english, herbology, reiki, lots of classes in so many areas. i love learning. i abhore homework. it makes me a great student and a horrible student at the same time. i'm trying to fix that this semester, i'm trying to do everything. it's so tough and i'm usually completely overwhelmed but i feel productive. i actually feel lazy when i don't have a day crammed full of stuff. so it's a nice change from when i used to come home and watch PBS all day. i seriously do that, by the way. I watch more educational programs than anything else. so yeah, i'm just studying to be a nurse right now. i actually want to specialize and become a nurse epidemiologist. for those of you who are just scratching your heads right now here's a quick rundown: for that job i'd be studying and combating pathogenic microbes (think Staphylococcus aureus or Esherichia coli and viruses, for example). i figure it's more stable than being a field epidemiologist like i used to want and still is interesting and everchanging as a field. it'll afford me and my family a comfortable home, fairly regular hours and a few extras. that's perfect for me. i think like brendan on this one, making too much can ruin people. money will corrupt just like power. so i want to live comfortably but not be upper class. i just want to own my home, own my car and have time to play with my kids. that's where i want to get, simply. if you want i could elaborate on this more, but i won't right now...have a great day and vale.

ch. 15 ex.

2.a. From televisions to skis to clothes, you can find anything you need if you go shop enough yard sales.

b. Singing is a very complex process but in a nutshell it's all about breath control, placement and diction.

c. Although it may be hard, it's possible to survive divorce by keeping busy, enjoying yourself alone and coming to terms with feelings of inadequacy.

d. The key to keeping kids entertained on a rainy day is to take them somewhere where they can explore and learn, like the museum.

e. Cholesterol is a substance that forms hormones and is present in cell membranes; there are good forms and bad forms just like fats.

reflection on whatever week we just finished

i guess i can see some slight improvement in my writing. i'm feeling much more comfortable tackling intellectual subjects with my own knowledge and experience only and seeing where it goes. i just wrote about the point of being here at all and it felt good. i like that, i think i'll work on it more tomorrow and make it better. honestly i've made bigger strides in my poetry this semester than anything else but i've done it using tools from the class, so it's all due to this class. that's a cool idea, that a class on writing essays and such can help with creative writing as well. good stuff. i think that putting the midterm portfolio will help a lot, too. i'm going to get started on that after doing ch. 15 ex. and working on that essay more tomorrow. it's going to be a good time. i wonder is liz would let me use a poem? i'll have to ask.

why is music the king of everything?

I know you all are really picking up how much i love music but i'm going to say it again! i love music! i love it a lot! it actually got me a compliment tonight, which was great fun. since i've seen the shins one of my mom's students got a bit depressed. she loves them, i like them, but she's never seen them and i have. it's so super! i really have to say, for all of you who haven't heard of or gone to Sasquatch, go this next year. it's this huge concert with thirty or more bands on two stages that goes all day. i didn't know something like three of the bands this year but all of the bands rocked hard. sleater-kinney is this chick rock band that's been around a long time in the NW but never has hit it huge, they're too true, i guess. they're pretty fun, sara doesn't like them, lol. but every band that was there was great. the highest energy concert of the night had to belong to the Black Keys, though. out of all the bands they just got up and rocked and bashed and rocked and had a great time. they were so much fun to watch. the kicker is that there are only two guys in the band. two skinny white guys. this wouldn't be so odd if they weren't playing a stripped down, lofi indie rock/blues fussion. but they were great. i loved them before the concert and that only made them better. so yeah, go to sasquatch, it's impossible to find more bands making better performances, period. the only set that looked close was the NY Pop Fest. it had a lot of great bands and a lot i hadn't heard of. but i just don't know, it's a three day, 300+ band kind of maneuver and i don't know that i could be happy missing a third of the bands because they're all playing at the same time...so yeah, lol. so on to another subject, how the hell did black widows become so damned numerous this year? i found three egg sacs under my damn bed yesterday and burned them up today. add to that that i found another juvenile in my window well and i have to wonder if they don't absolutely dig on cool, wet summers...i don't know, i just know i have a lot of them around. i'm hoping i don't get bit, too. but yeah. and i have to say that i do like carolyn's poetry, she's good. ready for the connection? ashley got bit, she's in english, carolyn's in english and i like her poetry, lol. i make such perfect sense to myself. it's great. some folks can't claim even that. and i am drinking a great beer my parents brought home. it's buffalo bill's brewery, the pumpkin ale. it's got pumpkin and spices brewed right in. it's a great little fall type of ale, i have to say. knowing it's nippy outside and yet being warm and drinking this is a nice escape. so yeah, i'll just let you all get back to your busy lives and enjoy yourselves. i'm going to make music tomorrow and maybe we'll record, so i'm excited as hell! yeah!(howard dean style there) so yeah, talk to you soon, vale