12-31

well, here we are. new years eve. i can't believe it's almost up. the year, my time here. i don't want to come back. i was just thinking how foreign my bed is going to feel. i mean, it's my bed, but i haven't slept in it for almost three weeks. i don't know if i can do this again, either. i'll break my own heart tomorrow (for the fifth time this year or so), i'll get on a plane and i'll fly back to what used to be my home. garden state is a great movie in parts to express what i feel. the scene in the pool where zach's character says "you come home one day and realize that home isn't home anymore. you go to your room but it's just a room, the feeling is gone." it goes on past that but it really hits me hard every time i hear it because that's how i feel. my room is just a room, my home is just a house, a place where i sleep and eat but nothing more. i need to go out and find my new home. so yeah, this is me thinking back on the year. it's been a hard one, it's had ups and downs and a few more downs, frankly. there are some very bright spots, those are why i'm still alive and moving and trying to do well. but you just keep getting down. you just keep having to remember why you're waking up again today. sometimes it's hard to remember and sometimes something in me doesn't want to get up. sometimes i just want to sleep. so as we pass the same point on the sun for the 4.5 billionth time this year: happy trails, good food, good friends and good fun for this next year; may it be a better year than the last. vale

sand castles melt into the sea
and the jester fronts himself
a merry sort of raillery
his smiling face melts
into that of a flower
everything is a bower.
all is full of love
but dawn breaks over it all

everything is sweet here. the smell is that of musty, damp earth with mouldering leaves and blades of grass that drip slowly. it's very still. the fog is here frequently. it's like a companion in this cold but snowless scene. it's a very easy phenomenon to identify with. it's never really clear where it begins or ends, what is the best part of it, when it will choose to move on, when it will be a bane or where it will be a close friend in dark times. being north is a bit wierd, the days are short now and the nights are cold. this hour is getting old and it's been dark a long time. i'm coming to the realization, somewhat painful, that my time here is severely numbered. i'm seriously entertaining the idea of not coming back like i haven't before. it was always something in the back of my mind but now it's in the front. more later, i'm going to go enjoy myself.

it's amazing how dark it stays up here. it's now getting on one and it's still looking like it does at 10 a.m. i can't believe it. but i am listening to blur, so i'm a happy camper. coffee and tv is a great song if any of you want to check out one of the best british bands of our time. they just don't disappoint. i'm going to get moving here, though. it's high time i get my ass moving, though. i'll talk to you all soon. have a great day. have a safe day. ciao.

and so he came here hiding
in his dusty red sedan
weighing his deviation from the plan
while barely breaking down

happy eve! i hope everyone is actually enjoying themselves. i am. just sitting here listening to a new jeff cd. mystery white boy. it's pretty good once he gets going. the first few songs aren't nearly his best singing. the whole show is a little earlier in his touring career, i'd say. i don't know. he's just amazing, though. sara's at work. i want her to be home again. i miss her. kinda sucks. my voice is a bit out of practice. i'm trying to sing along. it's tough, i'm not focusing my notes so well and i'm not standing, which makes it so much harder. perhaps i'll do some of that when everyone leaves. really give my voice a good workout. i'm hydrated, i'm warming up a bit, i'll really work later. i'm now excited. ok, these later songs are just amazing.

say something

lol. i can't believe you want me to type but i'll try it anyway. (that was for sara). and she wouldn't halp me hit thur parentesees kay. i'm being silly, she actually laughed a bit, lol. worth it. it's kinda hard doing this. my arms are all stretched out. and she's distracting. because she is so hot. really really.yeas, i am sure i am right. i'm also sure this is a post that is almost nonsense. i'm typing completely blind. now i'm going to go giggle with my girlfriend some more. silly silly. ciao.

society for the free association of grammatical items

rosemary. super: brilliant spice. really... bad band with (kinda) cute girls. last song on earth. hopefully it's not them. what would we all do? maybe make a few more songs? what if we couldn't? would we just accept that; accept it as the best song ever made? what about those who didn't remember the 'old' days with all those songs? would n'sync seem really good in comparison? what about george, harrison? and the beatles? white. racoons. home. i'm home here. i'm home there. i'm-not- home anywhere. like columbia. or venezuela. or czech. or poland. or france. what do they eat there? i know we're always trying a lot of different foods here, do they eat chinese or do they stick with french? do they have special restaurants for just french food? like our little 'american diner' spots? does any of it really matter... at all.

somewhere in the moors

this place is, as lauren put it, very much like a tim burton movie sometimes. this morning it was fairly dark again in my little lair of sorts but the sun has been peeking out every so often through the dense fog that enshrouds the house here. i love this place. i am very much at home right now. i took zoe, the family dog, out for a long walk yesterday that has left me a bit sore this morning. we walked something like 3 or 4 miles. i'd guess closer to 3. still, it was a good walk and i enjoyed being out in the fog. there's something incredibly cool and mysterious about being out in the fog. you can hear more than you ever do with snow but you can't see nearly as well. it's like this thick blanket decends on everything. the cars throw their light visibly into the mists and it's just amazing how it smells and feels when you breathe a cloud. cool, wet, encompassing fog.

sara is getting in my way as i write this. in a good way. lol. i'm excited to be back in seattle. as we speak i'm a happy camper in a land of emo kids. it's so beautiful. you could almost think it's denver as you're driving north from the airport, only hillier. there's some cheesy bollywood music going in the background on meghna's computer. i almost want to pop in elliot smith. we'll see if i end up doing it. sara just stabbed me in the back of the skull with her nail on accident. it hurt. lol. we're sitting here laughing now. life doesn't get better than a good laugh brought on by a seering pain in your skull. sara's even more beautiful than last time. her lines are softer in all the right places and she's just a touch thinner in the face. it's phenominal the way it brings out her cheekbones. mmmmm. makes me a happy camper. plus, she's funnier in person. i am in a great mood. hasn't really happened in a while. i'm going back to being happy. talk to you all soon.

There are moments when everything goes so wrong you can't fix any of it. This is one of those times. But more importantly, it brings everythign that's going right into focus as crisp as the air at midnight these cold nights, and it stirs you so deeply it bears expression in public. I often say I love Sara and that I need her but right now everything I am yearns for her. I want to feel her, to smell her, to taste her, to see her and to truly have her for mine like I get so very rarely these days. I can't wait to see Sara's dreamy eyes from behind errant hairs with the sharp morning sun lighting her skin until she glows like this completely divine being. And then to see her smile at my sorry self. God himself couldn't find words to describe that feeling.

well, it's now official, i don't give a flying fuck. i've been burning out for a few weeks and now that burnout is over, i'm well done and ready to be out of class for a month. i just have no energy left. how do you people do it? how do you manage to keep going? i am not doing it at all well. i know i need to be doing other things but i'm not doing them and there's a good chance some of them won't get done at all. i am shit-faced burnt-out drugged-up sleep-deprived and sara-starved. i need my girl. i need to feel her lying next to me while we watch a video. i need to feel that effervescent explosion on my lips when i kiss her. i need to smell her hair. i need to smell the back of her hand and her neck and her ears and her nose. i need to kiss her on the eyelids and on the cheek and on the forehead. i need to show her how much i do love her. that is all that matters to me right now, the rest is just going through the motions and waiting for her.

"I am not going to let some Bush, Dick, and Colon ruin my country." All i have to say to that is ME EITHER, ANGY!!!! because we all know dicks fuck... oh... i'm going to leave that be before i get into some serious trouble. I'm damn tired of all these people who are belly-aching about the election as this domination of the idiot class. so it's not what you wanted, deal with it. it's not what i wanted, either. frankly it's a bad choice for the country, but we're here for a reason. perhaps it's time to reevaluate you liberal ideas, guys. perhaps people are seeing that they really don't work and never will. even Compte, writing in our country's infancy, foresaw these problems and completely refuted both sides. searching for equality is stupid, some people are just stupid, some people are just smart, some are just motivated and some just aren't. we aren't going to change it by having quotas. you want real equality, try for equality of opportunity early in life. good elementary and secondary schools. get everyone started well. then it's up to you to succeed or not and color or class don't even matter at all. don't try to fix the problem when someone's 20, it's too damned late at that point. and don't socialize our country, our system is blown out of all proportion in the first place. unrestrained capitalism may not be the answer, but we've clearly seen that socialism and communism aren't, either, so just give those ideas up because they don't work. you want to know why the republicans won? they're saying something marginally new. they're in line with the majority. liberals used to be but now they've lost touch with what reality is. deal with it, get realigned to the majority and then make your changes. oh, and try to not be in complete support of fringe groups that most folks are insulted by, a little support for them helps because it's tolerance and freedom but not like we see now. you've lost ground supporting such things as homosexual marriage because it offends the majority of americans. and guess who has the political power? oh, yeah, the majority. getting them on board, now that might help. and...rant over. yay, i've been reading too much political stuff again and needed to blow off some serious steam.